and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
