there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
