I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am available for nakedness
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
