You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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