from now on my penis is your penis
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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