New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
