Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
