If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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