At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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