Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
