dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
