Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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