I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
They have beer where we have blood.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
