tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
