I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
