Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
