it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
