You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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