My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize