Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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