i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
