a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
