I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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