When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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