sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
