If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
