community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
