I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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