girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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