he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
