he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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