Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
