Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
