I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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