i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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