I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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