I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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