I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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