Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
