I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize