You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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