R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
