The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
