I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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