May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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