i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
