as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
