I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
