just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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