He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
