oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
