My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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