i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
