Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
