i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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