just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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