i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
