This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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