a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
