A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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