mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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