I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
