Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
