i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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