I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
