Tell her she can't have a vagina
I need to stop coming to work sober
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
