you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
