THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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