It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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