walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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