if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
