Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You're like the curious george of whores
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
