I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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