is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
