I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
