apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
