i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
